Portraits and Post Scripts
by Iggy Lovechild
Summary: A collection of Hellsing drabbles, vignettes, and post scripts to other fics. Previously posted exclusively on my Tumblr blog.
1. Intro

**Intro**

I tend to write compulsively. My preferred weapons are vignettes and one shots. I've also taken to writing post scripts to fics, little additions usually from another character's POV. I will note the mother fic, of course, but given this site's restrictions, I will only be able to give information on where and how to find them.

Also, I have a deep seeded love for writing Hellsing crack. Well, I call it crack. Dunno if it really is by the purest definition, but in any case they're silly little things. My favorite pastime is trolling Walter. Mind you, I love the guy, but the whole betrayal thing was disappointing. It's passive aggression and perhaps, in the case of interactions with Alucard, sowing quiet seeds of resentment.

Rating for some strong language, references to sexy times, and a filthy French mercenary.

**dislaimer: **Chatacters created by Kohta Hirano, not me. No infringement intended.


	2. Devotional

**"Devotional"**

Intellectually she knew who and what he was. Integra had watched him kill without mercy or remorse. She had seen the pure, unadulterated glee twist that handsome face into something wholly monstrous and obscene. If he ever had an ounce of regret over killing his own kind she'd had yet to see or hear of it.

So yes, she was abundantly aware of his cruelty and wickedness. Yet never once had he turned it on her. He'd never yelled at her or shown her anything less than a gentle hand. Of course he could be difficult. He was haughty, arrogant, selfish, and occasionally amoral, too.

Alucard was devoted above all. Utterly and completely in thrall of her. It was almost unsettling to have such absolute command over him.

A creature that could tear her limb from limb had once fussed over her getting a skinned knee. Actually he'd become absolutely incensed when her body guard had brought her home from an ill fated morning hike. Alucard had reduced the man to tears with a few choice words and veiled threats. The vampire had not once raised his voice, yet he'd radiated menace.

Perhaps that should have been the first red flag. Integra had been and still was quite convinced that, given the option, Alucard would have happily painted the foyer with that man's blood. All for being regretfully human and not quite quick enough to circumvent her little tumble.

Integra had yelled at him later, astonished and mortified by his behaviour. Though he'd met that anger with his usual aplomb, Alucard had confined himself to his quarters for the duration of the day and into night.

The next morning, Alucard and Walter had quarreled over his messy feeding habits. The vampire had devoured two months worth of blood packs.

Integra knew she should be frightened, but had only ever been disturbed. For whatever mad reason, he adored her. She had not the heart to dissuade him.


	3. Post Script (RRH)

_note: This is a post script to recent "Life in the Gloom" entry "Red Right Hand". _

_Because trolling Walter is my favourite hobby these days._

*****Post Script*** (for Red Right Hand)**

Walter picked up his hotel room's ringing phone. He was unnerved. Only Integra had this direct line and she'd been instructed to use it only for emergencies.

The voice on the other end made his blood run cold.

"Hello, Angel of Death," Alucard greeted. His voice was still rich and held that perpetual edge of amusement.

"You..." Walter was stunned. He'd not expected to hear his voice ever again.

"Yes, me," The vampire replied. "You should hurry back, butler."

"What's happened to Integra?" Walter demanded. Had she actually woken this beast back up? Why?

"My master is quite well, but I'm afraid Richard is a different story. He tried to assassinate her. Ran through here with a pack of rabid dogs and her dead end landed by my side. Her blood revived me and I exterminated those dogs. Richard she disposed of on her own. I think she'll be a good master, don't you agree?"

Walter felt his eyes go wide. "You can't expect her to keep you active!"

"And why not?" Alucard asked conversationally. "Do you think there won't be others questioning her authority? I can protect her. It would be my greatest pleasure."

He all but purred that last word. Walter felt a little sick.

"I would never let anything hurt her. You're not needed."

"Oh? And how much longer do you think you'll be able to do so? Ten, twenty years? How are your joints feeling? How's your eyesight? Your stamina? Your mind?"

Walter grit his teeth. He was right, of course. Damn his insight.

"She'll never be yours, Count," Walter told him quietly.

"Perhaps," Alucard murmured. "Only time will tell, won't it?"

Walter's gripped the phone so hard his fingers ached. "Alucard, if you touch one hair on her head-"

The vampire scoffed softly. "Oh come on, do you really think I'd seduce a little girl?"

"No, but she'll be a woman soon enough."

"Yes," Alucard drawled. "It excites me, too. She'll be magnificent. My master with steel in her eyes and the sharpest of tongue."

Incredibly, the vampire's tone had become almost dreamy. Somehow hearing Alucard sound like some besotted teenager was worse than any threat to Integra's innocence.

"I can be back in a couple days time," Walter told him stiffly.

"Good man."

"Don't do anything stupid, Alucard."

The vampire just laughed and the line went dead.


	4. Consenting Adults

**"Consenting Adults"**

It began with Walter finding Integra alone in rooms, blushing furiously and muttering unladylike curses. Later came the spirited banter with the vampire, her small smiles, and his casual touches. Walter was unsettled by her growing fondness of Alucard.

He lectured her gently, concerned that Alucard had perhaps somehow misled her. Walter knew first hand that the vampire could be quite charming. He was surprised when she laughed off his concern, assuring him that she certainly knew what she was dealing with.

"Do you honestly think I'd be seduced by a handsome face and silver tongue? Your concern touches me, Walter, but there's no need for it. I'm hardly being lead astray."

Integra's words did not comfort him in the least. However, he did notice their increased discretion. He felt guilty letting sleeping dogs lie, but he'd long since realized she was instigating as much as Alucard. Walter couldn't help but also notice the vampire's remarkably improved behaviour.

He learned to ignore Alucard's self-satisfaction and the way he looked at Integra like she was the center of his universe. Walter turned a blind eye to stolen kisses and midnight rendezvous. He did not remark upon the occasional bruises Alucard's kisses left on her throat or shirts hastily and crookedly re-buttoned. Walter was a good and humble butler, after all, and who was he to deny his mistress her pleasure?


	5. Post Script (ES)

_note: This is a post script to "Exemplary Service", another Hellsmut piece on An Archive of Our Own. _

*****Post Script*** ( for Exemplary Service)**

Seras woke up in a coffin and had to suppress a scream of terror. She would not make a sound; Master would yell at her or worse, he would laugh. Instead she pushed at the heavy lid and sat up.

She scanned her spacious basement chamber and felt the curious absence of her master's enormous power. He was still in the compound, but not in the basement. She vaguely remembered Sir Integra telling him she wanted to speak with him privately.

Seras drew her legs up and rested her forehead against her knees. What if they had discussed her? Even she could admit her performance last night had been abysmal. What if Integra decided to can her or, worse, order her death? Seras shuddered, knowing her master would not hesitate to exterminate her if Integra ordered it.

She felt the familiar tug of her servitude's bond to him and briefly wondered if their psychic connection went two ways. Perhaps if she could glean an inkling about what they'd discussed, she'd at least be prepared. She laid back in her bed of earth and closed her eyes.

Seras followed his line of power and skimmed along the surface of his thoughts. He was sleeping and vulnerable, which surprised her. His fresh memories from last night were a much bigger shock. Seras was flooded with images of her master with Sir Integra.

She felt her face heat as they poured over her. Integra kissing him hard and tearing at his clothing; her master on his knees before Integra, his face buried between her legs; Integra stifling a cry of ecstasy against the palm of her hand; the sheer intensity of his emotions left Seras panting.

She quickly retreated back into her mind, mortified to have intruded on such intimacy. Seras was utterly gob-smacked. She'd certainly been aware of his fondness for Sir Integra. It was unmistakable in the way he spoke of her. Seras had never truly imagined the feeling was mutual.

Despite her lingering embarrassment over seeing them like that, it made her feel good. There was something comforting about the idea that her master could love so deeply. Maybe he wasn't such a monster, after all. Maybe Seras didn't have to be one either.

She was still shy around them later. Seras could hardly look either of them in the eye without remembering those flashes of intimacy. Her master laughed when he figured out her strange behaviour. Much to her relief, however, he did not call her out on her intrusion.


	6. Metamorph

_note: I am aware that according to both Hellsing Ultimate and The Dawn anime Alucard retains his normal voice even in Girlycard form. Let me retain my head canon of his voice changing along with his form, ok? There are few things I enjoy as much as typing the phrase 'Alucard giggled coquettishly'. _

**"Metamorph"**

She was waiting on the steps of the compound. Walter frowned deeply as he approached the young lady. She appeared close in age to him and was dressed all in white. Long black hair gleamed eerily in the moonlight.

"Excuse me, Miss," Walter called out to her. "Are you lost?"

She turned and smiled at him. Walter felt the shock of revelation as he recognized the wicked expression and the girl's crimson eyes. She laughed at his shock and though it was high and sweet, the mania was disturbingly familiar.

"Alucard?!" Walter gasped.

"Death Angel," Alucard nodded in greeting.

"What in hell do you think you're doing?" Walter demanded.

The vampire shrugged. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Change back this instant! Does Sir Hellsing know about this?"

Alucard grinned and Walter felt a wave of revulsion. The pretty face of the young lady he'd become twisted and was obscene.

"He had little against it. I rather think he prefers it to my usual form."

Walter groaned softly as he rolled his eyes. He joined Alucard on the same step as they waited for their ride to the latest mission. The vampire took his arm and it made Walter's skin crawl. Alucard still smelled like blood and merlot and leered like the madman that he was.

"We'll make a much better pair in the city," Alucard assured him. "Young lovers out on a swoon."

Walter scoffed and tried to pull away, but the vampire held him fast with minimal effort. He gave up struggling with a long-suffering sigh.

"I hate you," Walter stated flatly.

Alucard just laughed and patted his arm gently as though he'd made the funniest joke. "Oh I know, believe me. I know."


	7. Post Script (KoH)

_note: "Kingdom of Heaven" is some Hellsmut in which Alucard and Integra consummate their relationship on the eve of war with Millenium. It's insanely hot, if I may say so. Anyhow, this post script was inspired by conversations with my partner in crime Laotsunami. Basically how amusing it would be if Seras and Pip got frisky too and then there's poor Walter..._

_French via Google Translate:_

_vieil homme-old man_

_mon dieu-my god_

_père-father_

___Un monstre dans l'amour-A monster in love_

_____Putain de merde-Shit fuck_

_____"Kingdom of Heaven" can found on An Archive of Our Own under the penname Iggy_Lovechild._

*****Post Script*** (for Kingdom of Heaven)**

Pip still wasn't entirely sure if it had been a dream, but the bed's condition and his body's various aches were certainly real. Despite the fact that he felt like dancing down the hall, Pip could barely walk without a slight limp. He did grin like the absolute fool. What a fantastic girl!

It was three in the morning and the manor was utterly still. He navigated the maze of hallways to the huge kitchen and was surprised to find it presently occupied by Alucard. The vampire appeared to be in quite a state of disarray. Pip had never seen him so rumpled.

Alucard sat at the kitchen's small table, feet up (and surprisingly bare), sucking blood from a donor pouch through a thin straw. He wore only a shirt and trousers. The shirt was torn, missing buttons, and was open to reveal his pale chest. Long, lurid scratch marks decorated his skin. His expression was a bit vacant though clearly content. Despite his pallor and luminescent crimson eyes, he appeared strangely human. A man recovering from a proper romp in the sack.

"Rough night, _vieil homme_?" Pip asked with a small, rough laugh.

The vampire looked him up and down. His eyes narrowed and Pip felt a note of anxiety. Alucard could be every bit the over protective _père_ when it came to Seras. Much to his relief, instead of castrating him with a bullet, Alucard smirked faintly.

"I should ask the same of you, Captain," Alucard drawled.

Pip grinned widely before raiding the fridge for a bottle of water. He then slumped into a chair across from Alucard and shook his head.

"We're a lucky pair of bastards," Pip sighed lustily.

Alucard arched an eyebrow. "Indeed, though I'd never expected she had it in her."

Pip laughed. "That girl is full of surprises! _Mon dieu_, she's a treasure."

"She is," Alucard murmured, though Pip had a feeling he was thinking of Integra more than Seras.

"Ah, I suppose some things never change," Pip said with a shrug as he fished a crumpled pack of cigarettes from his pants pocket. "War will always bring out passion and fear in spades."

Alucard tilted his head and scrutinized Pip with a thoughtful expression. "Whether monster or man, there are things we can't leave undone."

Pip nodded sagely as he lit up a cigarette. He wondered if Alucard ever feared death.

"I do not, but I do fear failing and losing her."

Pip stared at the vampire, annoyed that he had read his mind, but more surprised by his soft expression and confession. He'd always known there was something between those two. Alucard and Integra quarreled like an old married couple and anyway that vampire looked at her like she made the sun rise.

"_Un monstre dans l'amour,"_ Pip remarked with a small smile. "Never thought I'd see such a thing."

"Oho, I beg to differ, Captain," Alucard leered suggestively.

Pip felt his face heat up like he was a goddamned schoolboy. He didn't know if what had happened between Seras and him could be considered an act of love. More like raunchy, ball slapping, headboard breaking erotic warfare. The girl had fucking wreaked him, and he hoped to god he lived through this war so he could experience it again.

Walter entered the kitchen, looking sleep deprived and grumpy. Pip concealed a small smile as he wondered if their carousing had kept him up. Poor bastard; he felt kinda bad. Seras had been quite the little screamer.

"You're up early," Alucard greeted him with a crooked grin. "Usually Integra doesn't take her morning tea for a couple more hours."

The vampire looked highly amused as he sucked at his blood bag. It had been reduced to mere droplets and an obscene slurping sound filled the ensuing silence. Walter snatched the depleted pack from Alucard and tossed it in the garbage angrily. He glared daggers between them.

"Fuck the lot of you," He snapped and Pip's mouth dropped open. "A man can't get a minute of rest with you bloody idiots and your sodding hormones."

Pip couldn't suppress a snicker and Alucard's expression turned positively devious. "Are you missing a young lover of your own, Walter?"

The old man glowered at Alucard murderously and Pip felt like he was missing something. Walter busied himself at the cabinets, pulling out tins and boxes of tea. He sorted through them, putting some back and others aside.

And then Alucard did something weird. Fucking crazy spook house weird. The vampire laughed with manic glee but it wasn't the usual rich, masculine sound. Instead, it was high, sweet, and decidedly feminine.

The old butler stiffened and dropped a box of tea he'd been holding. As he stormed from the room, Pip was entirely sure that he was missing something. _Putain de merde,_ what madhouse had he entered into?


	8. Mortality

**"Mortality"**

Walter sat on the bed while Alucard cleaned out a vampire bite on his shoulder. The holy water stung and he stiffened, grimacing at the pain. Though Alucard's visage was that of a young lady, his sharp tongue had hardly softened.

"Honestly, I don't know why Hellsing insists on using mortals as vampire hunters," Alucard sighed. Walter wasn't sure which was more disturbing, the vampire's softly accented feminine tone or the idea of his regular voice coming from such a dainty form.

The Blitz on London had stirred up a lot of vampiric activity, and Arthur had sent them to destroy a troublesome nest of fiends. It really had been a simple job, but one had managed to overpower Walter and sink fangs into his shoulder. Eager to get it cleaned out before reporting back to the compound, they'd put it on high priority to take care of Walter's wound. With a great deal of the populous evacuated underground, the problem hadn't been in finding a place to recuperate but a whole and stable residence. They'd gotten lucky, even luckier to find a first aid kit in the first place they'd intruded.

"Perhaps Arthur doesn't trust you," Walter replied with a smug smirk.

Alucard giggled coquettishly and it grated on Walter's nerves. "You say that like it's something I don't already know."

Walter sulked as the vampire tossed the used up vial over his shoulder. Alucard grinned at him wickedly. "Want me to kiss it better?"

Walter glared at him. This night was just getting better and better.

"Piss off," he growled.

"Suit yourself," Alucard shrugged as he busied himself with cutting a bandage to wrap the wound in.

Walter noticed how practiced Alucard's movements were. It made him frown and the irony was entirely too much to bear. He preferred the vampire savage and cruel. Also male.

"You're right," Alucard picked up on the derailed conversation. "Hellsing doesn't trust me, but he doesn't trust you either."

Walter snorted as Alucard quickly and efficiently wrapped up his shoulder. He moved behind Walter, rolling the cloth bandage along his back and looping it across his chest to meet the shoulder.

"You don't know what you're talking about," he scoffed at the vampire.

"Don't I?" Alucard spoke next to his ear as he secured the bandage. "You are an excellent hunter, one of the best I've ever encountered, but you will always fall short of me. Shall I tell you why?"

"I'm afraid you'll tell me no matter what I say."

"True," Alucard chuckled. Still behind Walter, he began to run a small hand down his chest. His breath was hot against Walter's cheek, moist from having recently fed.

"You're so pitifully mortal, Walter," the vampire whispered.

With an angry cry, he grabbed Alucard's hand and twisted around to face the monster wearing a pretty girl's mask. He pinned him on his back, one hand pressing Alucard's wrist to the mattress the other clasped around his slender neck.

"Someday I'll kill you," Walter hissed. He squeezed down on his windpipe but felt no yield.

Alucard grinned maniacally and it twisted his lovely visage. He brought up his other hand and covered Walter's face. When Alucard spoke it was in his own voice. It was darkly menacing even as he laughed at Walter.

"I suggest you get in line, punk."

Alucard pushed Walter off his lithe body with a careless gesture. He stumbled backwards into the head board with a loud thud. Walter grimaced in pain as anger's adrenalin receded. It was a harsh reminder of just how inferior he was to Alucard. The only way he'd ever hope to compete was to become a vampire himself.

Walter laughed bitterly. How funny to have found the perfect quarry, only to find him neigh indestructible.


	9. Prompt: Bewitching

**Prompt: Bewitching**

I was bored. So bored. Extremely bored. There are no words in the English language to describe how bored I was. Arthur was anxious. He hates when I'm restless because I tend to amuse myself in unconventional ways. Last time I got Walter drunk and ended up tanning his backside. He couldn't look me in the eye for a week.

I love that he finds this feminine form so bewitching. It's just so endlessly amusing that he _knows_ me, and yet he still reacts to a pretty girl's face. The best comes with his anger because it's not as though he isn't as aware of the absurdity as I am.

"Let's go trick-or-treating!" I suggested to the Angel of Death as he smoked in the garden. He swore and glared, still a bit disturbed by my random appearances.

He scoffed and his breath was on the chill afternoon air, mingling with his exhaled cigarette smoke. "We're a bit too old, don't you think? Especially _you_."

At eighteen, Walter could pass for much younger. "So what? It'll amuse me."

I leered as he flinched ever so slightly. "The things that amuse you always end with my suffering."

"Don't be melodramatic!" I laughed and swatted his arm. My flirtatious manner annoyed him. "Come now, what on earth would you do without my entertainment?"

His lip quirked into the smallest of smiles. "And what do you suppose we go as?"

"Ourselves," I replied with a shrug.

Walter laughed and I couldn't conceal my smile. It was good to hear the sound. He was so damned serious and too fucking young to be a killer like me.

"That's so boring! Where's your limitless creative nonsense?"

"Oh, do you have a better idea?"

He looked at me with a faintly surprised expression. "You're serious, aren't you?"

"Quite," I grinned. "Unless you'd prefer another round with the paddle?"

"Tch," Walter sneered. "Bloody pervert. I'll think something up, though you'll be lucky if I don't stick you in a burlap sack and call you manure."

He tossed his cigarette in an empty flower pot and stomped back inside. I laughed because humans really are such extraordinary creatures!

**Finis**.


	10. Interloper

_inspired by a conversation with Javifruti. _

**Interloper**

Seras frowned as she watched them bicker on the shooting range. It was as though she'd just vanished, which was fine. She was used to being overlooked and ignored, gave her the opportunity to observe her two new...masters? The word left a sour taste on her tongue, and yet it came as naturally as breathing.

She wasn't listening to what they were saying. It was rather difficult with all the weird emotions radiating off her master. Somehow he seemed warmer in Sir Integra's presence, almost good-humoured and charming. Though their words were innocuous, a simple argument and nothing more, their tones held meaning. She'd never heard the softness in her master's voice before, or Sir Integra sound so amused, even if was laced with familiar irritation.

Seras excused herself without a word when the images began the come to her. Memories or fantasies, she wasn't sure which: A glimpse of Sir Integra's bare hip; her master kissing that Iron Maiden; the way his master looked when she moaned his name. It was too much to handle, and she felt like an interloper to their personal affairs. She had no doubt there was something far deeper to their relationship than master and servant. What it was, Seras didn't know and didn't care to speculate. It was none of her business, after all.


	11. The Suitor

_a drabble from my tumblr rp-blog, written for Walterdornesparadox_

_note: yes this features Alucard in girlycard form_

**The Suitor**

I smoked as I waited for Walter to obtain our train tickets. His brand was far too harsh and he was better off without them. He'd be a wheezing old geezer by forty the way he chain-smoked, and that was absolutely unacceptable to me. Surely there would be a time that I was no longer needed, and I was loathe to think of Hellsing's director being left unprotected while I slumbered.  
Movement on the edge of my vision momentarily distracted me from my morbid train of thought. A young man was approaching me. He looked to be around sixteen, maybe a bit younger.

"That's a terrible habit, you know," He teased me.

I scoffed softly. Maybe I should have made him go away, but my perpetual boredom overwhelmed common sense.

"Your concern is touching," I replied coolly.

"Are you traveling alone?"

Laughing bitterly, I took a drag off my cigarette. "I am always alone."

"How sad. Pretty girls like you shouldn't be so lonely."

He reached out as though to touch me, my cheek or perhaps to catch a tendril of my black hair. I shied from his touch, and as I noticed the boy's disappointment, Walter's voice called over the train station's din.

"What in hell do you think you're doing?"

I turned to look at him and couldn't suppress my smirk. The Angel of Death looked as angry as I'd ever seen him. How fun. I wondered if he were mad that I was interacting with a human in public or that the boy was flirting with me.

My would-be suitor looked Walter up and down before smirking. "What's it to you, mate?"

"Sod off," Walter growled. "She's not interested."

"She told me she was alone. What kind of gentleman would I be if I let a young lady travel unprotected?"

Walter grinned and it was a nasty one. His hand darted forward quickly to grab the boy's shirt. "Listen here, you wanker. That girl does not need to be protected. You have no unearthly idea what you're fucking with, so I suggest you piss off and find someone that actually needs it."

He shoved him away, the young man sputtered a bit before stalking off, and I could only laugh. Walter rounded on me angrily and plucked the cigarette from my fingers. He took a drag, made a face, and tossed it down.

"You know very well you're supposed to avoid interaction with mortals," He snapped.

I shrugged. "Choice word is 'avoid', Death Angel. He approached me. I tried to deter him, but he was rather dense."

Walter rolled his eyes and sighed wearily. Much to my surprise, he tucked a hand into the inside pocket of my jacket and retrieved the pack of cigarettes I'd lifted off his person earlier in the evening.

"And quit stealing my fags."


	12. The Dead Man

_inspired by an ask box drabble prompt on my rp-blog on tumblr, for Ariseasvictor. _

**The Dead Man **

Integra pushed open the heavy lid and peered down at her slumbering servant. She felt anxiety clench in her lower belly. He didn't look like a corpse and somehow that was deeply troubling. The old hunters' manuals had described resting vampires as hideous, bloated corpses. Alucard was same as he ever was: A darkly handsome young man of indeterminate age. If anything, he looked like a strange doll rather than a dead man.

On impulse, Integra reached out to touch him and gasped when gloved fingers wrapped around her wrist and his snapped eyes open. Integra had not been in such close contact with him in the two years since his revival. It made her nervous in ways she couldn't put words to.

They stared at one another for a long time. His expression was aloof as always, and Integra tried to mirror that look despite her pumping heart. He arched an eyebrow at her before letting go of her hand and turning his face away. Integra wasn't sure if his dropped guard was an insult or compliment. She didn't stick around to ask.


End file.
